Never a Skinny Minnie

My parents raised me with a pretty good self body image. I was a skinny kid. Then I puberty hit and I moved into dorms with an unlimited meal plan at the age of 16. Obviously, I gained some weight. Freshman 15 hit about 2 years early. I don’t think I’ve ever been fat. Or even ‘chubby’. Maybe for a few months sometime at BC when I hated everything and wanted to be in Texas. But other than that, I’m about the same. Normal.

I know that my body type and appetite will prevent me from ever being one of those skinny-minnie girls. I’d love to have thin thighs and a flat stomach. Who wouldn’t? But yeah. I also like to have ice cream when I feel like it and a few beers on the weekends. Flat stomach they do not make. And I’m okay with this. If I stuck to a diet or actually went outside and ran a few miles on a regular basis, I could probably get closer to the universal ideal. But eh, it’s really not that important to me. I only exercise now on a less-than-regular basis because I’m kind of scared of getting heart disease or diabetes in the future, particularly considering the shite I put into my body on a regular basis, i.e. the ramen I had for dinner.

So yeah. I’m me. I’m short, not fat, and not skinny. 99% of the time I like my body because I own it and I control it.

Only there are some occassions when I kind of wish for something else. Like last night, when I was out at a bar with a few girls from work, who all happen to be a few inches taller than me, have longer and straighter hair than me, and probably weigh a few pounds less.

Yes, confession- I’d like to have longer legs, straighter hair and be skinnier. But sometimes I don’t feel like wearing heels, ironing my hair out, or skipping dessert or fries. And my Tex-Mex genes don’t really lend themselves to statuesque slimness a la Kate Moss. At all. Eva Longoria is probably the skinniest Tex-Mex and I’m pretty sure she never eats and works out 4 hours a day. I, on the other hand, have an appetite and have a regular job to attend to, so her plan’s out for me. I’ll never be like those girls I was jealous of last night.

I do know that I can work out a little bit more often and see pretty good results. I can get muscle definition and feel stronger, I can run farther and feel healthier – when I take control. I’ve had bouts of extreme-healthiness in my life so I know that results are possible. When I get these twinges of jealousy of girls with other body types, it’s sort of like the kick in the butt that I need. I can’t make myself taller or wicked thin, but I can be more fit.

So thanks girls, I’ll be working on that a little harder now… for a while. I’ll aim to frequent the gym more often and will be eating a bit healthier and maybe even wearing heels more often. Because I want to. All the same, stronger or not, I will always be cool with how I look and my hamburger intake. It’s all good.

y'all come back now

I'm South Texas born and raised. I lived there full time until i was 18 and part-time since leaving for college 6.5 years ago. I don't have any real southern accent that people notice. The only Texan thing people catch is that i say y'all. A LOT. Of course, I also now say wicked. A lot.

But yeah, no one in my family really has a big southern drawl. None of my friends either. We just all sound... the same. Like we're from San Antonio or Austin or Houston. Somewhere normal.

In contrast, I work with someone who is North Texas born and raised down there and moved up to Boston last year after college. She has a SUPER country accent.

It seems so weird every time I hear her talk. I expect her to be from like Georgia or Mississippi or some southern place. Not Texas, not my homeland. Because I don't consider Texas 'the South' culturally. Maybe North Texas is part of 'the South' and South Texas is not. In North Texas they talk country and make bad mexican food. blah. North Texas, no me gusta. South Central Texas, me gusta mucho.

Anyways. Just something I was thinking about this afternoon. Random, I know.

just a girl. with some scabs.

my mother has always advised me to pick out my outfits the night before. saves time, saves thinking, etc, etc. sometimes i do this, sometimes i do not. today i checked the weather and obvs know that spring has hit new england. so i think a knee length skirt and some flats will be perfect.

only there's a little problem that has recently come to my attention/been bothering me a bit.

background: i'm a little bit clumsy. and a little bit, shall we say, active for someone my age. flat out, i'm 24 years old and i still climb trees when i feel like it. and i hike, and i do cartwheels, and sometimes i wander around at night without turning on a light. eventually i trip and bump into things. all of these factors result in me having at least one or two bruises and/or cuts somewhere on my body (usually legs) most of the time.

i'm mostly ok with this. i've outgrown the gross habit of picking at my scabs and i heal pretty quickly. and sometimes i get cool scars out of the deal. (i love the thing on my right foot.) but still. they kind of look out of place on my semi-adult legs. and its awkward if someone asks how i got that mark and i say, "climbing into a dusty cave in a park by my house."

which brings me to my current predicament- i want to wear a skirt tomorrow. without the protection of tights or anything to hide the 'real me.' i currently have 2 scratches (1 kinda big) and a bruise 0n my gams. hmm. not so professional. not so adult.

blah. oh well. 'tis me. but maybe i'll try to be a little more careful during the warm months when more skin is shown in the office. maybe.

fiesta shoebox float parade

what i can only assume are confused/worried/loving parents have been furiously googling the words, "fiesta, shoebox, float, parade" and keep ending up at this post from last spring. which, honestly, does not give much detail regarding how to build a miniature fiesta float out of a shoebox. i feel bad about that. you, the googling parents, are probably very confused. so i'm writing this post, one week before the big fiesta kickoff to hopefully help out a few of yall out there furiously googling.

the shoebox fiesta parade a longstanding san antonio tradition. i was in elementary school almost 20 years ago doing the same thing. i guess that for non-native parents now living in san antonio, this is probably a weird phenomenon that the teachers are requesting parent participation in.

basically, all schools have a mini parade. and in this parade instead of the giant trucks bearing flowers or animatronic robots on top of flat bead trucks like in the macy's or rose bowl parades, what san antonian children produce is tissue paper and action figure decorated shoe boxes which they drag on strings through the hallways of the school.

sometimes schools have themes (like make it based on a book u read or a historical period) but usually the parade is straight up 'fiesta' themed and anything colorful or fun goes. supplies for this include a shoebox, construction or tissue paper, and whatever toys your kid feels like gluing to the top of this shoebox (transformers, barbie, spiderman, dinosaurs, etc). they can set up the shoebox to look like a car toting the grand marshall or fiesta princess or you can help your kid fashion a construction paper skyscraper and have spiderman swing off it. whatever.

dinosaur wetlands, mini alamos, rocket ships and knights on horseback - all been done before and totally cool if your kid is into it. basically, make a mini float. (ha! so descriptive!) but you know, make little tissue paper skirt around it, snip some green construction paper for fake grass, fold the bright colored paper to make a few flowers. whatever. its all good.

i wish i had pictures to offer for suggestions, but i don't. oh well. kids are creative. they'll think of something. just make sure they don't cut their f ingers with scissors or burn something with a glue gun.

happy early fiesta, everyone!

i do dress nice on the weekends. usually...

i use fashion (clothing, shoes, bags) as a way calm down when i'm stressed. its weird and superficial but it works for me. whenever i'm freaking out about something serious like work or family or the future of the universe- i take a step back and start to take inventory of my wardrobe, plan outfits, dream up the things i'd love to buy, and re-dress others in my head - and after a few minutes i can usually breath easy again.

anyways.

unfortch, my office is in the 'burbs and i see the same middle-age boring office people everyday and i rarely get excited about dressing for work. most days i throw my hair in a bun, push up my glasses, and wear whatever mildly presentable pants and sweater i can grab each morning.

sometimes, when i wake up more than 30 minutes before i have to be out the door- i spend a little bit of time putting together a cute outfit and maybe even brushing my hair. whenever i actually bother trying to look more than presentable i get compliments. which i appreciate.

but at the same time, ugh. that probs means i look like a complete disaster 90% of the time i'm in the office. whoops.

anyways. today i kinda tried (cos i'm flying home this afternoon and it really throws my parents off when i look nice). and i totally got compliments on my springy flower printed peep-toe heels i found for $20 and the $6 pair of wide leg khakis i found in a clearance rack last time i was home. (we don't need to talk about how much my sweater cost. too much. sometimes i splurge.) yeah, i'm a super bargain shopper. if only i wasn't so lazy as to be a super dresser on such rare occassions. blah.

Why I Suck, Where I'm Ignorant

So I'm pretty sure I've never been in love. I'm getting too old for this. I know people that have been in love 2 or 3 times by my age. (Some of them might be confused and or lying) But even so, I do believe that most people I know have been in love at least once.

Me? Never. I've crushed and lusted after a long list of boys and men. But never anything all consuming and long lasting. Sometimes I think I might be an asexual robot, but no. I do have extreme love for my family and friends, I've just yet to meet the person who will tap into my romantic love pot. I'm assuming one day this will happen.

But in the meantime, I still am a blank slate with only the purest, analytical understandings of true love. And when people come to me with their stories and problems dealing with their OTL (one true love) I have problems understanding and sympathizing. I give lots of great relationship advice that makes perfect sense to me. They're a jerkface? Drop them. They're far away? Move there, deal with it, or drop them. They love someone else that's not you? Screw that, drop them and find someone to love you and then love them. In like with someone that loves you? Drop them, you won't grow to love them.

Eh. My advice is probably skewed and lacking in complete romantic OTL sensibility. I'm far too logical, black and white, yes or no with regards to OTLs and how to deal with the inevitable, numerous situations and problems that arise. These answers all make perfect sense to me and yet I'm learning that people in actual deep true love really can't function this way. It's not all black and white and yes or no.

Well, damn.

Sorry folks.

I know how or can figure out how to get around any major city within 2 hours.

I can find almost any random fact on the internet regarding just about anything.

I am not scared of anything in real life except actual murderers and rollercoasters.

I can offer advice on what camera to buy, what websites to use, what book to read, which fund to invest in, what music to listen to, and what shoes would go great with that outfit.

But helping you out with dealing with all the drama around your OTL, your pain and heartache and infinite longing. Um. I'm probably not the best resource. I have no experience here. It's not something you can read a book about or google on the internet. I think its completely and deeply personal. And I've never felt it, so I don't know how to help. I'm blank here. I can offer ancedotes and dumb jokes, but I think that's it for right now.

I'm sorry.

Maybe this is the area where I really need someone to help me. It's something I definitely cannot figure out on my own. I've tried.

musings of a singleton

I want a guy to go with me to an indie rock concert not only because he likes me, but also because he loves the band. I need a boy who likes hiking and laying in the grass. The perfect guy will be the one to ask me to go to basketball games and art shows and hip-hop clubs because they’re his thing and he knows I’ll enjoy it. I want a boy who reccomends good books to read and appreciates the lit I can throw in his direction.

I think its mildly easy to find a boyfriend who will accompany you to events and tolerate the things you like, even feigning interest by asking questions from time to time. But I don’t want someone to tolerate my interests, I need someone who shares them. We don’t need to be twins and love all the same things. But in my dream relationship we’d have a lot of overlap.

There's a lot more thought behind this post, but I'll just give you this for now… and I'll add links later.

I'm one of the pickiest people alive when it comes to finding a mate. And yet, the ones I pick for myself seem to be the worst. Whatever. I like writing out all the criteria I'm looking for in a man, as if it's a checklist I can use on my next night out. Oh, if only it was all so easy as filling out a form and having the perfect man be returned to you on a plate. Alas, the world does not yet have that technology. Actually, match.com probably has the process locked down, its just the narrowness of my search that is preventing this from actually working. That and my individual weirdness which would prevent me from matching someone, per se. Probs, since I haven't tried match, I'm guessing here...

So, with regards to my various 'man requirement' lists, height, personality, and of course- always important to me – interests are included. Looks are never high on my list because I have weird taste and it varies so much (black/white/brown – skinny/normal/fit – rocker/baller/nerd, etc). Basically the only standard aspect of looks is moderately tall (5'10" +), not overly muscular, more thin than fat, and not ugly. And my definition of ugly is probably different than other people's.

So anyways, on to today's list. These are all things that I myself love and think are interesting/attractive/awesome enough that any decent man should also love. -->

My ideal guy must like at least 15 of the following 20 things:

1. Amelie or Trainspotting (overplayed flicks I love)
2. Basketball (watch or play)
3. Good Beer (i.e. not budlight)
4. Converse or Vans (canvas sneaks)
5. Dude Ranch or Dookie or Morning Glory (influential albums from my youth)
6. English Humor (it's particular)
7. Gandhi (from India or clone high)
8. Graffiti (aka Streetart)
9. Interpol (wardrobe and their beats)
10. Jean-Paul Sartre (philosophy killa)
11. Kanye West (persona and his raps)
12. Lion King (circle of life)
13. Mother Teresa (if you don't, you're evil)
14. Meat (like, from cows)
15. Michael Jackson (he is the king of pop)
16. Nick Hornby or Dave Eggers (their books)
17. Ray Charles (the man, the myth, the legend)
18. Signs or Boondock Saints (religious flicks)
19. Stand by me or The Sandlot (band of bros movies)
20. Tamales or Big Red (tex-mex goodness)

"the game"

the other night, before i passed out at like 930, i was clicking through the telly and happened upon this whack show that i've seen before called the game. its basically about american football W.A.G.s (wives and girlfriends) .in the 5 min i saw this episode, the blonde chick from sweetvalleyhigh told her hubby (hot guy from some cop show) that she married him for his money and then stayed with him for years cos she felt bad about it.

it was one of the meanest things ever, on this dumb sitcom show. the hot hubby stormed out of the room and i promptly got disinterested and fell asleep.

unfortch, i totally know couples who are like this. 'the game' isnt really the football bit, its all the stupid relationship bits. it happens to obscenely (and even moderately) rich/famous boys and girls all the time. people attach themselves out of self-interest rather than something legitimate like love and attraction. of course the rich kids aren't always completely oblivious in this game. often they pick their counterparts based on some other superficial thing like looks or connections.

so its a wagering balance, this game. i bring this to the table and you bring that. hmmm.

i don't like that game. i don't ever want to play that way. i want to play the true love game. ah, yes- ever the romantic.

p.s. kelsey grammer is the exec producer on this show. random. but props dude. for making me think real deep for about 15 min.

whoops

I went over to my aunt's house last night with my mom. One of my younger cousin was passed out on the couch and grunted a hello before rolling over into a pillow.

After playing 'fashion show' for a bit with my aunt, I realized the evening was going to take a decidedly middle-age mommy turn. Which is, obviously, not really my scene. So while my mom sat in the kitchen with two of my aunts chatting about what i can only assume to be mommy type stuff, I wandered off to the den and plopped down next to my cousin. Slipping in and out of that comfortable nap/tv-mode that usually only occurs when you're an angsty teenager (or me), we watched South Park or something. We probably only spoke about 10 sentences the whole night. After getting a few calls, eventually he rolled off the couch, got dressed and went out to dinner with his friends.

A [long] while later the mommys were done chatting and someone poked me (I was still sprawled on the couch, by this point curled up in a wool blanket) and told me to wake up. While walking out the front door i noticed a giant birthday balloon by the front door. Giant. Like 2 feet across.

Oh yeah. My baby cousin had just turned 18 last Saturday. Which i remembered last Thursday (partially due to fb reminders)- and then forgot about... until i saw the balloon.

I'm such a bad cousin.

(but. he is recovering from pink eye. so i'm thinking if he gave me pinkeye last night, i have nothing to be sorry about. and actually i can be very mad at him.)

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I always think its interesting and sad that I slip so easily into angsty teenager habits when I'm home for more than 2 days. I sleep a lot, I crave weird food at random times. I graze the fridge. Basically, being at home makes me too comfortable and all my icky habits rise to the surface, I think.

i feel bad

cos i haven't written here in ages. my blogspot is looking so abandoned and dusty. it's just that my new digs are so convenient/easy/quick. and i'm so busy/short-attention-spanned/lame.

excuses, excuses.

i do actually have tons of things i want to take some quality time to write about. to wax on about for paragraphs and paragraphs like the self-indulgent fool that i am.

only. i am, 'le tired.'

deadline for myself: 2 new posts a week. substantial content. starting NOW.

in preparation

tomorrow is mardis gras. lent starts on wednesday. ash wednesday. i'll need to make it to a church sometime.

this year i think i'm going to abstain from beer and soda. i'm also trying to think of some sort of reflective obligation to give myself for the duration of lent... but i haven't decided on on yet. so for now, the plan is to skip out on the carbonated fat-makers in my life for at least 40 days.

i don't really drink soda much anymore. so that won't be so hard. however beer is all around me when i'm out having fun, so this one will be a bit tougher. which is good. that's the point isn't it? to actually sacrifice something. good.

art appreciation

while hanging out with my grandma this evening, we spent some time talking about how she would like to write more. she used to send letters to her friends and family on a pretty often basis and it's dropped off lately. i remember the fun in recieving letters from her when i was away at school. sometimes they were in english, sometimes in spanish- always in perfect script and fun to recieve and read through.

as we were looking through her box of stationary, i came across a set of notecards with a degas on the front.


i love degas. i've spent hours in various museums just soaking up his stuff. he told stories through his paintings and sculptures.

i think lately, i haven't been giving as much attention to classic works as i have to modern and street art. i havent been to mfa or the met or even san antonio's mcnay in ages. i have been to moma and a slew of art galleries featuring modern pieces and photography pretty often in recent years. and obviously, i spend a bit of time wandering the streets shooting graffiti and other street art. i have not been balanced in my dedication to and appreciation of the arts of late. i've been heavy in recent stuff and lacking in the classics.

ellen and i have a date to visit boston's ICA this coming week. which should be awesome, since i have never been. but also i think i'll need to make some other dates for myself to revisit old favorites. study a little bit. expand my art appreciation scope.

if i really am serious about maybe, possibly, hopefully pursuing some sort of career in the arts arena- i definitely need to study so much more. i'd like to be well rounded, not hyper focused in one area. ha. eventually. maybe this will lead somewhere. i hope.

grandparents

grandparents
Originally uploaded by florajasmine

here's a picture of my mom's parents in front of their house in jourdanton, texas.

my grandpa built that house in the late 40s or early 50s. my aunt and uncle live there today. they have a new fence. and i don't think it's seen snow since about 1986.

my mom looks so much like my grandmother, its freaky.

story: my mom and dad started dating in 73 or 74. something like that. my mom was around 20 years old.

after they'd been dating for a while, my dad invited my mom over to his house (where he lived with his parents and siblings) here in san antonio. his dad was already sick at the time and mostly bedridden.

when my mom entered the bedroom to meet my paternal grandfather, he called out the name florinda. florinda happened to be my mom's mother's name.

that's when the strange its-a-small-world story came out. apparently sometime 'back in the day' in mexico, my paternal grandfather had met my maternal grandmother at a town dance. or something. he thought she was cute.

and then time passed and my dad thought my mom was cute and they got married and had me.

so apparently, similar taste in women totally runs in the family. haha. gross.

oh the drama

i'm working from a starbucks in the middle of old-money-ladies-who-lunch-land in san antonio. it's also adjacent to a small catholic university that rich kids go to.

eavesdropping on these convos is so funny:

• when i came in a bleach blonde woman and her plastic friend were discussing her upcoming vacation to miami. they're staying at the biltmore and the friend was saying how she always prefers the ritz because its closer to shopping. um. when i go to miami i just want to roast in the sun. but thats just me.
  
• one boy was studying his organic chemistry (and staring out the window) when he ran into a girl from his class and they discussed their grades and studying techniques and the professors test style. it reminded me of a tams discussion that might have occurred for me 7 or 8 (!) years ago. made me feel old.
• now three women are gathered at a booth in the corner and are planning a gala for something. one woman was on the phone lecturing/counseling someone about the actions of her irresponsible daughter. another one is organizing her family's attendance at a wake later this evening. the third just arrived and is stirring sugar into her coffee. they're all dressed in cashmere cable knits, pressed oxfords, pearls and smart pumas or loafers. their wedding rings are HUGE. the big topic of conversation is the width of ribbon for something. its so foreign.

i need to focus on my own work/life. instead of listening in on others...

where are you from?

totally on repeat this week

sam sparro - black & gold
hot chip - boy from school
hot chip - shake a fist
adele - cold shoulder
jens lekman - i'm leaving you...
vampire weekend - boston
feist - i feel it all

the jens song is like opposite sentiment of vampire weekend and feist. but i love them all. opposite of hallelujah. hehe.

and for non-indie, more radio/bar/club friendly - i'm loving kanye's flashlight song. as well as the one that talks about applebottom jeans and boots with the fur. haha. yeah. singing along to that one is fun/funny.

keeping the dream alive

Days On: "Equal rights cannot be taken for granted, either personally or collectively as a Firm."

random company letter. funny.

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yeah. i have to work on mlk day too. my company doesn't give us the day, for sure.

last year i took a personal day off and spent most of it wandering around nyc with my old roomate kirstin (who i have not heard from in months... hmm) and i remember i met up with my seo pal, lily, who wasn't sure if she had the day off or not but was out playing anyways. it was a good day. wasn't particularly inspiring of me and i don't think i did anything in commemoration of king's achievements. but it was still a great day exploring one of my favorite cities.

this year i came to work, tired and cold. i think on this mlk day i'll probably stay home to continue my recovery from the weekend. i'm hoping to catch 'killer of sheep' on the tele. 3 weeks into the new year, it also seems like a good reflection and look ahead time. might try some introspection tonight as well.

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i know. craziness. i lead such an exciting life. movies and silent thinking! woohoo!

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ha. too much partying this weekend. i really need to quiet down for a bit. partying to resume... tomorrow, perhaps. :p

growing up with family

it's funny how when i was little my cousin valerie was 'so old!' to me. she was like my big sister when i lived out in the country.

she came up to visit boston this weekend and we had big kid convo's together. we had nice dinners and boozy drinks. the 6 year age difference is so not an issue like it was when i was in kindergarten and she was a big 5th grader.

and of course, we still love 1988 nkotb. everyone can blame my bad music taste on her. she was very influential in the development of my jordan knight love.

im a nerd, reasons #98234 and #82347

i'm trying to get my company to let me go to a nerd conference in march. i can get into the conference for free (cos i'm a smart nerd) but i'd prefer not to use vacation days to attend. so i'm going to see if it can count as 'training' of some sort.

if it works out it will be tremendously!! awesome. and i will be a nerd princess.

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also. my morning started off just right when my favorite coworker/exroomie called to let me know that tourfilter had sent out an mxpx alert overnight. they're coming to the bean!!!

mxpx? you say. from when we were 12? you say. YES. MxPx baby! we know i love all things middleschool. and i LOVE MIKE. and MXPX.

its an all ages show w/ yellowcard. i think there will be 20million babies there. and ellen and i. it will be awesome. i told ellen that we should make signs. 'TAKE ME TO BREMERTON' or something to that effect. haha.

its on the last night of sxsw tho. i'm conflicted. but its MXPX!!!

ugh. i love my teenage drama filled life. its so sad and so comical, all at once.

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also. i LOVE tourfilter.com for telling me things. even if i cant go to all the concerts i want to (hotchips-soldout, jenslekman-suisse) its still nice to see the info in my inbox. shoutout to tourfilter!

fitness plan

sometimes i crack myself up.

my diet and exercise plan for tonight included a dinner of grilled cheese and turkey sandwich and a glass of red wine followed by some bicycling and making fun of american idol tryouts. closed it out with some free weights and heavy breathing. and about a gallon of water.

haha.

my attempts at being 'healthy' are funny. mostly i go to the gym in hopes that all the things i ingest like beer and grilled cheese don't kill me before the age of 30. i don't know if its working. i think i should get a physical sometime... make sure things are all clear in spite of the shite i put in my body on a daily basis...

or not.