20 July 2008

i don't want to join your facebook group

One of my managers started a facebook group for a work community I’m in and sent an email telling people to join. I do not want to join. But of course, by not joining - they [work people] will notice. I know it’s not a mandatory thing. I could probably speak to my manager about it and explain why I don’t want to join this group on facebook. She’s an awesome person and totally understanding. And yet, I have a feeling it would only end up with me looking like a complete jerk or a weirdo with something to hide. Which is not really it.

Except, it kinda is. I’m hiding my personal life, kinda. Something people have been doing for ages. I’m guessing that 20 years ago, before the internet, work colleagues never knew their coworker’s favorite movies, number one song, and which bars they were at last weekend. I’d sort of like to maintain the old way for now.

I’ve already removed links to my blogs and hid most of my photos on facebook because of the growing number of work contacts I have on my ‘friends’ list. This limited profile shite that facebook has doesn't really work, in the social sense. I mean, yes- technically, I can hide the stuff. However, people who have your limited profile KNOW that they have the limited version, methinks. And it probably offends them.

One day I’d like to think that my work life and my personal life will be friends. That everything I say here can be heard there. But right now, I’d like to keep them separate. Work people do not need to see my angsty blog posts about dumb boys or the 10 million pictures of graffiti that I’ve accumulated on my flickr. They don't need to know if I got drunk last weekend or had a fight with my parents or stubbed my toe on a closet door.

Really.

Of course, I guess it doesn't make much sense to ask for a facebook exclusion, as I throw all these details of my life on the internet anyways. It’s not like they're hidden in my secret diary or in a box under my bed. But still, I don't know. For my friends, yes - of course they should be able to see my pictures and read my rants. That's part of the reason I document everything- to share it with them; I keep everyone in the loop while documenting our hijinks. I just wish it wasn't so easy for my professional contacts to also be able to see all my internet secrets so easily.

16 July 2008

There Will Be Change

Today while planning some dinner dates with girlfriends and checking for flights to London in between a boat load of meetings and review sessions, I realized what a spoiled, self-centered brat I am and how unhappy I am in spite of it all.

I mean, I already knew that I have a good setup in life. Just this weekend I was telling my mother how on the whole, I generally dislike most people as they are apathetic and self-centered. I also acknowledged that I am one of these people I dislike. My mom’s response – not everyone’s like that, and if I’m not happy with who I am – then change.

This of course, made me think of one of my all time most inspirational quotes from Gandhi, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”

I feel like a few years ago I was on that path, being the change. But in recent years I’ve definitely slipped, slacked off my course. Now a significant amount of my non-work time is spent alone being antisocial, with friends being negative or with family, eating. And my work days are spent in a cubicle of a huge corporation doing work that I am nothing near passionate about.

This is not the path for me.

I’ve been out of college for three years. I’ve just hit the quarter century mark. I’m feeling overly angsty and frustrated with where I am right now, life wise. I expected more out of myself. Growing up I predicted that by the age of 25 I’d be firmly on the path to adulthood. Working at a job I loved or at least ready to go back to school and dive into a career I could be passionate about. Settling into a city I love and surrounded by good friends, family and a significant other. Spending my spare time making a difference and helping others through volunteer work.

Instead, I’m living in three cities, seeing friends or family only once or twice a week and generally not in passionate love with anyone or anything.

It’s unsettling and upsetting. I need to make a change. Lots of changes, actually.

I’m not ready to start a new career search just yet. And logistically, my multi-city life will have to continue for a bit longer. Cupid has yet to shoot his arrow my way and no dates are on the near horizon.

But volunteering, something that used to be one of my favorite activities but has dropped of my life radar in recent years, is something I can definitely control and jump into at this point in my life. I’ve just signed up for a few information sessions and filled out applications for a few non-profits. I need to try some things out, test the waters again. This is my start at fixing things. At finding the right path and getting on track to living the life I want.

I hear you, Gandhi, and as of today I can once again say, “I’m working on it.”

It feels good.

14 July 2008

finding art on your street


williamsburg
Originally uploaded by florajasmine
one of my favorite parts about my graffiti photography hobby is when i help other people take a second look at the world around them.

i know my friends are definitely more aware now than they were before about the streets they walk down. they're used to me pointing out little pieces high and low as we walk along in our cities, sometimes they even spot things first and point them out to me.

this weekend, when i was walking around brooklyn, snapping shots of some street art in decay - i occasionally caused a traffic jam while people stopped to look at me and figure out what exactly i was shooting. it was good though, making people stop in the midst of their afternoon errands. as i would walk away from a particularly interesting piece, i saw a few people take time and look at the art as well, pointing out special details or commenting on the subject to their friends.

it makes me happy, seeing other people appreciate street art in their/our/it's element.

11 July 2008

why are people jerks to strangers

i hate that every time i start to feel good about humanity, something happens to remind me that people can be real jerks.

yesterday my mom had not one but TWO rude/prejudiced comments thrown at her while in and around my apartment building. my mom who is one of the nicest people i've ever known (and not just cos she gave birth to me) does not deserve anything rude to happen to her.

  • she noticed some people coming towards the elevator right as the door was closing so she held the door for them. the older man (with wife and grandchild in tow) told her to go ahead without them. then as the door was closing, my mom heard the man say, "besides, why would she think we'd want to ride the elevator with her." wtf did that guy mean?!?! why wouldn't you want to ride the elevator with a smiling lady? jerk.
  • she was waiting to cross the street to the art store across from my building. next to her at the corner was a group of three people speaking in spanish. (which, duh, my mom understands.) in spanish they talked about what they thought my mom was (what ethnicity), critiquing what she was wearing (tshirt and capris ) and whether or not she understood them talking about her. talking about her loudly AS THEY STOOD RIGHT NEXT TO HER. my mom said she ignored them but i told her she should have said, 'si, yo entiendo, groseros.' (or something more scathing as she actually speaks spanish well and i do not.)
my mom didn't even mention either of these things to me until late into last night when i brought up the fact that maybe boston isn't so bad as i originally thought it was. maybe it was a nice city with nice people in it. but APPARENTLY NOT. although, i'm guessing in both cases based on location of where i live, these people were not from boston. just jerks from somewhere else on our great globe.

03 July 2008

i like me

off of the quote i saw yesterday, "“I am a straight woman, and I am confident about my appearance and happy with my body,” i had a quick chat about it with one of my female cousins. we both can say this affirmation without question, but also we understand that it is not the norm for other girls and women to be so confident in their selves.

we were raised similarly - first born children with amazingly supportive parents with tex-mex family values and moms who came of age in the 60's and 70's. to our parents, as little girls, we were basically the greatest thing since sliced bread. or big red. we've been doted upon all of our lives and only told that we are beautiful, intelligent, fantastic, awesome, etc, etc by all of our family.

of course, my cousin and i have had a few periods where we thought we were too skinny or too fat or something. cos all teenagers do. and when every other chick in your freshman class is freaking out about her body, you start to think something might be wrong with yours as well.

now as an adult, i exercise so that i don't die of a heart attack at age 35. i try to eat healthy cos i'm afraid of high cholesterol and diabetes. i wear high heels and cute dresses cos sometimes i want to be tall and i like feeling extra girly.

on the whole, we're probably two of the most well adjusted, self-loving, 20somethings i know. and i really think it goes back to how we were raised - by borderline overbearing families with never-ending affirmations.

i know all kids aren't raised this way. and it sucks. a number of my girlfriends have whined about bathing suits and body hugging tops and eating ice cream twice in one day, all largely things i barely give a second thought to. there is a problem with our society that causes women to think they're not as great as they could be. it's in advertising and media and elementary school textbooks. lucky for me, i had family that went against this and had a strong enough message repeated to me so often that i was able to tune-out the body-conscious lines i was being fed from all directions and instead was raised to think, hey, i'm pretty a-ok.

i think all little girls, awkward teenage girls, and half-grown 20something women should definitely be made aware of their awesomeness to fight off the still prevalent message that females need to fit into some sort of crazy idealized box. boys are generally raised by society to think they are fine as they are, girls still need to be reminded by people that care about them. it's stupid that the world works this way, in the year 2008, but in fact - it does.