There Will Be Change

Today while planning some dinner dates with girlfriends and checking for flights to London in between a boat load of meetings and review sessions, I realized what a spoiled, self-centered brat I am and how unhappy I am in spite of it all.

I mean, I already knew that I have a good setup in life. Just this weekend I was telling my mother how on the whole, I generally dislike most people as they are apathetic and self-centered. I also acknowledged that I am one of these people I dislike. My mom’s response – not everyone’s like that, and if I’m not happy with who I am – then change.

This of course, made me think of one of my all time most inspirational quotes from Gandhi, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”

I feel like a few years ago I was on that path, being the change. But in recent years I’ve definitely slipped, slacked off my course. Now a significant amount of my non-work time is spent alone being antisocial, with friends being negative or with family, eating. And my work days are spent in a cubicle of a huge corporation doing work that I am nothing near passionate about.

This is not the path for me.

I’ve been out of college for three years. I’ve just hit the quarter century mark. I’m feeling overly angsty and frustrated with where I am right now, life wise. I expected more out of myself. Growing up I predicted that by the age of 25 I’d be firmly on the path to adulthood. Working at a job I loved or at least ready to go back to school and dive into a career I could be passionate about. Settling into a city I love and surrounded by good friends, family and a significant other. Spending my spare time making a difference and helping others through volunteer work.

Instead, I’m living in three cities, seeing friends or family only once or twice a week and generally not in passionate love with anyone or anything.

It’s unsettling and upsetting. I need to make a change. Lots of changes, actually.

I’m not ready to start a new career search just yet. And logistically, my multi-city life will have to continue for a bit longer. Cupid has yet to shoot his arrow my way and no dates are on the near horizon.

But volunteering, something that used to be one of my favorite activities but has dropped of my life radar in recent years, is something I can definitely control and jump into at this point in my life. I’ve just signed up for a few information sessions and filled out applications for a few non-profits. I need to try some things out, test the waters again. This is my start at fixing things. At finding the right path and getting on track to living the life I want.

I hear you, Gandhi, and as of today I can once again say, “I’m working on it.”

It feels good.