it's saturday night and i'm in bed thinking.

i'm trying not to think deep thoughts. cos deep thoughts, late at night, all alone either freak me out, scare me, or make me depressed. so instead, i try and focus on other things. not so deep things.

like why i'm home alone, listening to norah jones and typing on my blog. hmm. i really need a boy in my life. a local boy. to spend time with. i have roomates and friends to hang out with, go to bars with, shop with, go dancing with and talk forever with. but i dont have a boy. to do boy/girl stuff with. it's a sliver of my life that is missing and i need to fix that. only i haven't figured out how yet. a solution that is a miles away is not a real solution.

also. winter is coming. yes yes, i know, fall just started. but dangit, it's cold. i have to sleep with socks on already! maybe if i closed the windows in my room i wouldnt be so cold, but i do like the fresh air. just not the chill of it. it's beautiful outside, with the sun shining. but as soon as darkness comes, the cold sets in and i remember why i hate boston. winter. winter is coming. dammit.

at least i'll get to wear all my fun boots. thats my favorite part of winter in boston. that and the drunken escapades in the snow. but somehow i feel that me not being in college will severely limit my drunken escapades in the snow henceforth. maybe not. considering how much time i still spend at the damn campus these days.

still so weird. the fact that i'm a college graduate. the fact that i'm not living in texas. the fact that i live 2 miles from that place i thought i hated so much. i mean, i still do hate some parts. other parts i love. lots of kids i like and love, i met them there. so thats good. and buffalo chicken wraps from late night- i love them. i haven't had one this semester yet. what's going on?
i cant believe i'm not living in texas. i wish i was. i am happy here. i like my job well enough, i like my living sitch, i hate the massive amounts of driving, but considering i'm a just some new kid on the block- i think things are all ok. only the nagging feeling, like a tug on my shirt-tail, pulling me back towards home. my real home. south texas that i know and love and miss. i haven't scheduled a flight home yet. i know i'll go down for thanksgiving. and then after that? christmas. but for how long. a couple of days at the most? not the usual month long break i've enjoyed the past 6 winters. so weird. i can't handle not seeing my family for months and months. i know for other people its normal and nbd. but for me its serious. i talk to my immediate fam every single day. and to my grandparents at least once a week. i need to see them, hug them, kiss them more often then once every 3 or 4 months. or 5 or 6.

my favorite soon to be non-juvenile delinquent is supposed to come up in october for a weezer concert. but if he doesnt come, i'll definitely fly south, if only for a couple of days. i need it. i need to see the 'rents and my superhero and my puppies. and everyone else i love down in san antone. and my heb and taco c's and lbj park and the hill country and st.pius church and everything. i miss it all. i miss the smell i miss the dirt i miss the smiles and the y'alls.

basically. i'm in bed, listening to norah jones on saturday night. being homesick and boysick. sick.

maybe i should move on to thinking deep thoughts. real depression instead of this self centered stuff. make the night even better.